The True Order of Phoenix
by Annie and Knotty
Summary: What's the REAL order of phoenix? To whom does Harry's heart belong? And why are those two psychotic girls fighting again? Scratch that-one girl and one flying monkey.


The True Order of Phoenix  
  
By Knotty and Annie the Psychopathic News Anchors  
  
Chapter One~ Surgeon General's Warning and The Truth about Dumbledore  
  
Surgeon General's Warning  
  
This story contains random silliness. If you like coherence, stay away. This story jumps about more than a man with squirrels where his pants should be. If you also are afraid of people suddenly Apparating and Dissapparating into the story, please stay away. Thank you kindly, and return to your previously scheduled boredom.  
  
The Truth about Dumbledore  
  
Dumbledore yawned and stretched. It was the beginning of another fun- filled day. He sat up and turned to his trusty phoenix phriend Phawkes. *Knotty apparates with a pop. "This should by his phoenix friend Fawkes, but we made the mistake of sampling very large quantities of espresso before typing the story. Annie apparates. "No, we were just out in the middle of some stupid park attempting to make fire with sticks, which really doesn't work, but Knotty was convinced it did. Then we came back and Knotty took pictures of plastic horses while I sat and read a really cool science magazine. But perhaps the fumes of plastic horses went to the butt. I can't remember." Annie and Knotty Dissapparate*  
  
Dumbledore looked at Phawkes-er, Fawkes. "What was that all about?"  
  
Fawkes yawned too. "I don't know, squib boy. Put some clothes on-it's time for another thrilling school year." Fawkes spoke sarcastically. "I hate the job of headmaster. But if I don't do it, we're all damned. So let's go. Chop chop."  
  
Dumbledore grinned stupidly.  
  
Later that day, the student population of Hogwarts was gathered in the Great Hall. The Sorting had taken place. Dumbledore stood up with a dorky grin. *Knotty apparates. "Do you know what a dork really is? Well, it's a whale di-" Annie apparates, shoves a pencil into Knotty's hand, and Dissapparates. Knotty stops talking. Suddenly, she disappears in a flash of color, Annie's pencil Portkey working at last.* Dumbledore paused. "Hey, those girls were in my bedroom this morning!"  
  
McGonagall stood up. "I thought what we had was special!" She ran out the door exceedingly pissed.  
  
Dumbledore shrugged. "Ok! Well, anyway, welcome to Hogwarts. I hope you like it here!" He sat down again, not seeing the exceedingly confused faces of the students. *Annie apparrates. "Knotty, you're using the word 'exceedingly' an exceedingly large quantity of times. Knotty? Where are you?" Knotty enters, leading McGonagall by the wrist. She is whispereing in her ear. Giving her a pat on the shoulder, she goes to stand with Annie.* McGonagall stalked up to Dumbledore, and promptly bitch-slaps him. At this point, the older students are exceedingly embarrassed.  
  
*"KNOTTY-Stop using 'exceedingly'!!!!!! Danmit!! You're just sooooo special. Everyone loves you. Well, now it's my turn, so you just shut up and listen!!!" screamed Annie. Knotty turns and bitch slaps her.*  
  
The students stare open mouthed at the two fighting couples. Finally, Dumbledore pulls out his wand. Muttering a few words, he promptly sets himself on fire. Fawkes swoops in. "Squib boy! How many times have I told you-don't use a wand when you forget to put on your tartan boxers! The Order of Phoenix-my shouted commands-are the only reason you're still here!" Fawkes put out the fire, and swoops over the tables, food appearing on the platters. The awkward silence is smoothed over.  
  
But McGonagall… * Annie starts crying, because Knotty won't let her type. "You're a mean self absorbed bitch and you won't let me write the story." Annie starts crying harder and highly dilutes a Ravenclaw's (ha Ravenclaws are mentioned) pumpkin juice. Knotty plots to delete this section, but decides not to out of the goodness of her heart.* McGonagall shouts to the gathered crowd. "Dumbledore is a big phony! He's a squib-at least until he puts on tartan boxers. And he can't do a single thing for himself. He can hardly walk down the hall without the orders of his stupid phoenix." *Knotty comes to the front of the room. "This is How Not to Speak About a Phoenix." McGonagall bursts into a huge fireball.*  
  
Dumbledore shrugs. "I guess we'll be needing a new Transfiguration teacher!" *Annie starts leaping up and down. "Pick me! Pick me! Pickmepickmepickme!!!!! Puh-leeeeeeeeeeease?" Knotty pulls out her wand and promptly turns Annie into a crazy flying monkey.*  
  
Dumbledore shrugs. "You're hired!" *Monkey bites Knotty's butt in spite.* 


End file.
